My life...right now

Hey friends,

It's been awhile but I've got a few things to catch you guys up on. Still no tattoo, but it is still something I want to do.

My hips, well, I'm not sure if I let you guys in or not but as of right now I have acquired a "gangsta lean" aka a limp. Some days its more noticeable than others but if you look REALLY close, its there. I tell you this because today was a good day, as far as my hips go, my mind however, not so much.

PLEASE allow my crazy mind to go to work. It may not make sense to y'all, but this is how my mind is working at the moment...

If you hadn't heard, Courtney got herself a man y'all...lol. Don't get too happy, it was over almost as soon as it started but, I think it just hit me now how everything went down.

This blog for me is supposed to be therapeutic so please excuse me while I get girlie and reflective for a bit...

Family is a big deal for me, it will always come first no matter what. If you spend any time with me at all, that will be the first and most important thing you will ever need to know about me. My mother has been out of commission and I am the one who was on the front line, as much as I could be at least.

As I am there for my mom, I felt like my significant other would be there for me. If for nothing else, just to give me a hug every once in awhile. Maybe I didn't communicate my need for a shoulder to lean on but, that right there, made me feel alone in the relationship.

When I finally realized the fact that I was expecting this man to read my mind and wanted to fix things, I got ignored. Now, I don't know what his circumstances were at the time but, I felt like I should have mattered. I just felt like he didn't care enough to at least call me to say that it was over.

Am I mad? A bit. Hurt? Extremely, but I feel like there is no one I can talk to about it, so I came on here to get my thoughts out.

I think that I am a hard person to know because I play all my cards close to my chest. I don't let people in, not because I feel unworthy but because I feel like I am a lot to take on. I don't know how I'm going to feel from one minute to the next and I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

My stubbornness has cost me a couple of relationships that could have gone a long way but I pushed them away because I wasn't secure and didn't know my own self worth. That is something I believe I will be working on for years to come. I need to be okay with the fact that I am living with Lupus. It's a hard disease to have because you look like you are okay, but that is not the case.

Just because we seem okay on the outside doesn't mean we are okay.

I feel like this blog has been all over the place but at 1:56am, this is the way my mind is working.

Thank you for taking the time out to read my random rantings...

Hopefully I'll write soon,

Courtney

Why Blog? What's the point?

I asked myself this question many times over the last few weeks. Why blog about something that i rarely talk about in my day to day life.

And there is my answer right there. I DON'T talk about being diagnosed with Lupus and that is why I feel the need to share with people what life has been throwing at me for almost 8 years now. Let me state right now that I AM NOT NOW, WILL I EVER BE A DOCTOR. I am simple a lowly semi-cynic that lives with Lupus and felt the need to share my story.

Okay wait let me back up a bit here. I have been living with this disease since 2002 and I was in 10Th grade, so that would but me at age 15. At the time I felt like I was on top of the world. I was an honor student, was the captain of my step team and was making plans to go away to college and starting a life where the world was my oyster and all that jazz.

Well I guess if I really wanted to still do all that, I could, I would just have to take a different route then I originally planned, but that is neither here nor there. The point of this blog to have a place where people around the world to just come and feel like they can vent and have kind of a sounding board and not be afraid to be judged or ridiculed or be told that they are being dramatic. Trust me, I have dramatic pegged so feel free to go all shouty capitals and foul language on here. There are no rules, well of course besides 'respecting others opinions' and whatnot but hey the 'golden rule' is just common sense right.

So, while I was being poked and prodded, I had the pleasure of seeing the pitying looks on the doctors faces, you know the ones I am talking about. The 'oh poor child, she is so young,' and for the record, I HATE those looks so if you even think of using that look with me I might have to punch you in the face. Of course not literally, I am not a violent person by nature I just play one on TV.

Okay, sorry I went off on a tangent, I tend to do that, if you know me you are aware of my problem. Anywho, like I was saying, I was 15 and stubborn as all get out so it took my sister (bless her heart) to run to my mother and MAKE me go to the doctor. I remember the night as if it happened yesterday, which is amazing to me, I was lying in bed, on the top bunk (gotta love the invention of bunk beds) and I just couldn't get comfortable. At this point i had a rash covering my entire back and arms, and as I was setting up my pallet on the floor my sister rolls over on her bottom bunk and catches a glimpse of the rash mentioned above and demands to know what is up. So of course I beg off and say, "Oh it's from the carpet, it's not a big deal" I know not my proudest moment but I was never good at pulling off a lie.

My sister was always the bossy 'momma bear' type (can you tell she is older) and she replies with a, "That is NOT from the rug, have you told mom?" So i knew I was in deep, I again try to come up with some kind of lie about it being late and I'll tell her tomorrow. Of course Sister McBossyPants bolts from the room and down the hall to bring to light what has been going on. And really, to this day I don't remember what happened after that, I may have fallen asleep, I may have even talked to someone but my memory is hazy as to the specifics of that night. After that I started getting really tired all of the time. Honestly at first i thought it was nothing, I thought it was because I was practicing to hard at my step team practices and had too much pressure put on my shoulders.

For those of you in the blog universe know, the telltale sign of lupus is the butterfly like rash over the bridge of your nose, but at that point I had no such rash, so of course, Lupus was not on the radar and unfortunately until that rash came I was tested for everything they could think of, what all it was, I must have skipped out on those conversations because I just don't know. I was in such denial that I was in Gym class, outside, learning archery in 70 degree weather with a hoodie on. Again, not my finest moment but I wanted to continue to live in my little bubble of perfection a little longer. Sue me!!

Skip to a few months later and I am sitting in the doctor's office, and in comes the doctor to tell me that I have Lupus and I have to go see a specialist. Now I was 15 but when they say words like specialist and Rheumatologists, I freak the freak out you know, but my mom's eyes were stuck on my face like tractor beams and so I have to swallow the panic and nod like my life didn't just get changed beyond all recognition.

Now let me tell you something else about me, I tend to shut down my feelings better than a virgin on prom night. That is one of my many character flaws and it almost always comes to bite me in the behind. Now looking back on it, I think that I blamed myself for getting sick. I thought because I wasn't the best daughter or sister, because I didn't do everything I said I would, that this was my penance or something, and I'm not even Catholic! I didn't grasp the fact that this was one of things that I have to go through, that nothing I did or was going to do in the future could change the outcome of this disease being a part of my life.

One day my mother and I were sitting in the living room watching TV, again there may have been other people in the room but I'm not sure but I burst into tears asking my mother why me? Why did I have to have this disease, why did I have to live with all the medications and all the doctors? I learned that day that holding in everything you ever feel, will leave you to explode at the most inopportune times, so don't do it. Find someone, whether it be your parental units, significant other, or best friend. Talk to somebody because while they may not totally understand, they will listen. Or if you just know someone who has Lupus and feel out of your element as to how to help or what to say, you can see how one person deals with life.

I am not the most sane person, so maybe if you need to hear a semi-cynical account of living with Lupus as well as ramblings that may not always make sense, come one, come all and witness the craziness that is my mind and life.

I guess this is the reason for this blog, a place where, if you feel alone, if you feel like you have no one who understands having all the doctors appointments, or the times when you feel like you can't get out of bed or just want to tell a funny story to, I'm here. I get it, its not the easiest thing to live with, nor is it the hardest, it just is.

It's a part of my life that I have to learn to deal with, and will continue to do so, to the best of my ability.