Hey friends,
It's been awhile but I've got a few things to catch you guys up on. Still no tattoo, but it is still something I want to do.
My hips, well, I'm not sure if I let you guys in or not but as of right now I have acquired a "gangsta lean" aka a limp. Some days its more noticeable than others but if you look REALLY close, its there. I tell you this because today was a good day, as far as my hips go, my mind however, not so much.
PLEASE allow my crazy mind to go to work. It may not make sense to y'all, but this is how my mind is working at the moment...
If you hadn't heard, Courtney got herself a man y'all...lol. Don't get too happy, it was over almost as soon as it started but, I think it just hit me now how everything went down.
This blog for me is supposed to be therapeutic so please excuse me while I get girlie and reflective for a bit...
Family is a big deal for me, it will always come first no matter what. If you spend any time with me at all, that will be the first and most important thing you will ever need to know about me. My mother has been out of commission and I am the one who was on the front line, as much as I could be at least.
As I am there for my mom, I felt like my significant other would be there for me. If for nothing else, just to give me a hug every once in awhile. Maybe I didn't communicate my need for a shoulder to lean on but, that right there, made me feel alone in the relationship.
When I finally realized the fact that I was expecting this man to read my mind and wanted to fix things, I got ignored. Now, I don't know what his circumstances were at the time but, I felt like I should have mattered. I just felt like he didn't care enough to at least call me to say that it was over.
Am I mad? A bit. Hurt? Extremely, but I feel like there is no one I can talk to about it, so I came on here to get my thoughts out.
I think that I am a hard person to know because I play all my cards close to my chest. I don't let people in, not because I feel unworthy but because I feel like I am a lot to take on. I don't know how I'm going to feel from one minute to the next and I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
My stubbornness has cost me a couple of relationships that could have gone a long way but I pushed them away because I wasn't secure and didn't know my own self worth. That is something I believe I will be working on for years to come. I need to be okay with the fact that I am living with Lupus. It's a hard disease to have because you look like you are okay, but that is not the case.
Just because we seem okay on the outside doesn't mean we are okay.
I feel like this blog has been all over the place but at 1:56am, this is the way my mind is working.
Thank you for taking the time out to read my random rantings...
Hopefully I'll write soon,
Courtney
