My life...right now

Hey friends,

It's been awhile but I've got a few things to catch you guys up on. Still no tattoo, but it is still something I want to do.

My hips, well, I'm not sure if I let you guys in or not but as of right now I have acquired a "gangsta lean" aka a limp. Some days its more noticeable than others but if you look REALLY close, its there. I tell you this because today was a good day, as far as my hips go, my mind however, not so much.

PLEASE allow my crazy mind to go to work. It may not make sense to y'all, but this is how my mind is working at the moment...

If you hadn't heard, Courtney got herself a man y'all...lol. Don't get too happy, it was over almost as soon as it started but, I think it just hit me now how everything went down.

This blog for me is supposed to be therapeutic so please excuse me while I get girlie and reflective for a bit...

Family is a big deal for me, it will always come first no matter what. If you spend any time with me at all, that will be the first and most important thing you will ever need to know about me. My mother has been out of commission and I am the one who was on the front line, as much as I could be at least.

As I am there for my mom, I felt like my significant other would be there for me. If for nothing else, just to give me a hug every once in awhile. Maybe I didn't communicate my need for a shoulder to lean on but, that right there, made me feel alone in the relationship.

When I finally realized the fact that I was expecting this man to read my mind and wanted to fix things, I got ignored. Now, I don't know what his circumstances were at the time but, I felt like I should have mattered. I just felt like he didn't care enough to at least call me to say that it was over.

Am I mad? A bit. Hurt? Extremely, but I feel like there is no one I can talk to about it, so I came on here to get my thoughts out.

I think that I am a hard person to know because I play all my cards close to my chest. I don't let people in, not because I feel unworthy but because I feel like I am a lot to take on. I don't know how I'm going to feel from one minute to the next and I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

My stubbornness has cost me a couple of relationships that could have gone a long way but I pushed them away because I wasn't secure and didn't know my own self worth. That is something I believe I will be working on for years to come. I need to be okay with the fact that I am living with Lupus. It's a hard disease to have because you look like you are okay, but that is not the case.

Just because we seem okay on the outside doesn't mean we are okay.

I feel like this blog has been all over the place but at 1:56am, this is the way my mind is working.

Thank you for taking the time out to read my random rantings...

Hopefully I'll write soon,

Courtney

Its Time For The Heavy....

Hey lovelies,

It has been a long time since I have posted anything, but that is because I really felt as though i didn't have much to say. At least when it comes to my life. I think i have an innate ability to see other people's issues and see where and what it is that they should or could do to change their situation. I think because i keep my hand so close to the chest, it has become hard for even me to see exactly what goes on in my head sometimes.

I will tell you something, particularly the girls/women who read my blog, if you don't watch any other show, tune in to The Conversation on lifetime. In the few weeks that i have watched this show, i gained insight on not only the celebrities that have been featured but myself as well. I have come to realize that I do need to live in my truth and figure out exactly what it is i want out of my life.

It took me a long time to actually look myself in the eye while looking in the mirror, i would look everywhere but at myself and I don't even know why...sure, i didn't think i was pretty but i really don't know. I still have issues with looking at my body. Now that i think about it, that may be a reason why if you show up at my house, i will most likely be in long sleeves and socks. That or the fact that my house is insanely cold. Sorry mom, just stating facts...love you though!!

I don't think that anyone is fully comfortable in their skin, at least not anyone my age. I think that self acceptance comes with age and experience.

Now to the topic I am sure no one, well I don't, want to talk about. My health. At the present time, all my numbers are good, except my potassium, which is a bit on the low side. No, i don't have to take an extra pill but I think i might just pick up some bananas the next time i got the grocery store.

It took me a long time to accept the fact that no, there is no cure for Lupus yet, and even if there was, it wont be able to magically erase the damage that has already been done to my body. I will never again be that bright eyed and bushy tailed 15 year old that could do and be anything with no limitations. I don't think that i would want to be that girl ever again because even though i was forced to grow up, what seemed to be overnight, i wouldn't change the experiences for anything. PAUSE...that's a lie, there have been times when i wanted to rip my hair out and just give up, but it made me who i am today.

No, my life hasn't been a fairytale, yes I have questioned why i was given this cross to bear, but i look at my siblings and see who they are and what they are going through and i know. I just KNOW that if it hadn't have been me, i don't think that they could have done it. If i have to suffer through this, so they don't have to, then so be it.

Having a chronic disease like Lupus is not easy. There are days when it SUCKS and i just want to lie down and say....ENOUGH! But then i look at other cases and see how good a life i have. After all I am not alone, I have a huge family that loves and supports me. A family that I know if and when I walk into the hospital, will be there praying for me. And that's the thing, I know what is in my future and it wont be easy, but with the support system i have, i know that I will be okay.

So no, i am no where near able to accept all that i am or all that i will be. I am, however, standing firm in the belief that i will get there.

As long as I have my God, my family, my friends and my music...I'm gonna be alright!!

My Epiphany...

Hey guys

Sorry this post is coming a few days later than expected but I didn't really think about it until just now. Any who, I have been thinking about how I have been dealing with the whole lupus elephant in the room and the truth is, I haven't. Not really.

Its just that I kind of swept it under the rug and yeah people know I was diagnosed with it but its just not something I like to talk about. Now, I think that I am in a place where I can and am willing to talk about it to people who want to know.

I found a website, http://www.cure4lupus.org/ actually I am not sure if I found it or if it was referred to me by my cousin, either way it really helped me with accepting this disease. I am looking through these links and realize in the scheme of things I got the most common type of lupus.

Did you know that the singer Seal got the scars on his face from a childhood battle with Discoid Lupus. All this time I thought that it was from a motorcycle accident. There was a whole list of celebrities with Lupus some alive, some dead but there are more people with this disease than I thought there were.

What it boils down to for me is that, no I am not in anyway satisfied with my life right now, but hopefully I will find a place that I fit and can start to take strides in becoming independent and building a life of my own. Maybe because of the fact that I am owning Lupus it will no longer own me.

Love, peace and hairgrease...

Court

First of many...

It is quarter to six and wanna know what I have done today? Well, I have been watching a Ghost Whisperer marathon on TV, that and checked my email. I should feel bad but I really don't seeing how I cleaned and rearranged my room yesterday. I think I am like my mom in the fact that I feel like I should be doing something. Still a zero on the job front, and no that doesn't mean I want to up and get a 9-5 job outside of the house but the online jobs I have looked into are a sham. I would like to feel like I have some sort of purpose in the world and not just a 25 year old with no job experience and a high school degree. That's not to say that my life sucks and woe is me or anything, I have a pretty good life if I do say so myself. I would just like to earn more than 80 bucks every two weeks and feel like my 14 year old siblings have more of a life than I do. Think I might start writing again, problem is they say write what you know and I what I know is pretty depressing sometimes. I guess today is my dark and gloomy day, the day I choose to look at whats lacking (in my opinion) in my life.

Tomorrow will be better...

Courtney

Something New...

Hey guys,
So starting this month I am gonna try to post something at least every Saturday. This blog is gonna start to be used more as my journal than anything else. Some posts may be short and sweet while others my be long and contemplative, so bare with me as I sort through my thoughts and feelings.
Love you all...
Courtney

I'M BACK....for the moment at least

So, I know that I say this everytime I update but I'm sorry I took so long to update. I'll give no excuses because I have none so lets just get to it, shall we?

Okay so in my last post I was talking about marijuana use and tattoos, well I have an update to offer on that front. Yesterday I went to see my rheumatologist and I can say with certainty that I made his monotonus day, rather interesting.

The appointment was going as it normally does, he took my blood pressure, asked if I needed any new prescriptions, and went over my lab results with me. They are normal just in case you were wondering, my lupus is undercontrol at the moment. Then I threw him for a loop, let me just say that this conversation went WAY better in my head than it did in real life.

I am sitting looking at the many medical posters on the wall and I blurt out, "WOULD IT BE SAFE TO GET A TATTOO?"

The doctor startles and whips his head around, wide eyed and says, "Umm..."

Cue the rambling, I start to relay the conversation I had with my mother on sunday. Telling him how my mother is all against it and how I tried unsuccessfully to win the argument that it would be fine and he is still looking at me like I have a third eye on my forehead. Finally he holds up his hands and I stop mid sentence and he chuckles, "Hold off on the tattoo until I take you off of Cellcept and make sure if you do get one to watch it closely because if it was to get infected, that would be really bad."

I nod and he continues to right notes in his little notepad and I blurt out, "What about weed?"

He chokes on his spit and coughs a bit and says, "Umm, just say no? I am not understanding the question?"

"Well I read online somewhere that this guy who has lupus says that marijuana is an immuno suppressant so it shouold work the same as a steriod does, so..." I say like he should automatically know all this information.

You know what he does next? There is a beat of silence, he blinks at me and starts to giggle and that grows into chuckles and then he starts in with this belly laugh/snort thing. It was the oddest thing and I am looking at him like, seriously? Is he really laughing in my face? I mean this goes on for like 3 minutes and his face is beet red and I just watch, amazed that this man is laughing at me. Then he looks at me and composes himself and says. "No, just no, firstly marijuana is still illegal in VA and even if it was I wouldnt prescribe medicinal marijuana to you. Secondly, even if that is true, you are still smoking and it would affect your liver. So no, I would not take you off of prednisone and put you on medicinal marijuana. Nice try though." Then he starts in with the chuckling. Stands up, wishes me a good summer and tells me he wants to see me in 4 months.

He was still laughing when I left his office!! The nerve!!

Thanks Dr. Bahadori....

So it looks like we have to go back to the drawing board Aunt Brenda. No trippy days in the cut for me in the near future!!

Also, Keisha if you are reading this, I am wanted to reiterate that I would be honored if you walked for me in the Lupus walk, if and only IF your doctor says its okay and you feel up to it.

No I am not offended in the least, lets take it a step at a time, yes?

Love, peace and hair grease...

Courtney

News...

Hello again,

As you can see, we have recieved a face lift if you will. Do you like it? I do, so I suppose you just have to live with it either way. So, for those of you who know me personally, you probably know that there isnt too much going on in my personal life at the moment.

I have, here recently, decided that i would take a stab at stepping back into the role of student. As you know, with me, there is never a simple way to do anything. There are things that need to be considered, like my stamina, location, and of course how it will be funded.

First things first; money. I don't work, I absolutely HATE the fact that I can't work. That's saying a lot because there are few things that i truly hate. There are days when i feel like a free loader and a mooch because I feel like all I do is sit around the house and do nothing. Yeah. yeah i know logically that is not true, but I can't help how I feel.

Okay back to the topic, paying for school. So, I filled out my FAFSA form and at first I was all gung-ho because, with the school I was going to attend (NOVA) I wouldnt have to pay out of pocket and still have money left over for a laptop. Then I logged into my student account and they are saying that my FAFSA isn't complete because I didn't fill in my mother's information from her 2009 taxes and I have until the 18th of September to fill it out or it won't get processd.

When I first filled the thing out, they just asked for my information and now they are saying that I have to fill in all this extra stuff? I was upset, more than upset, I was pissed. Here I am thinking that they are going off the fact that I dont work therefore couldn't file taxes, now I gotta fill out my mother's information. Now I'm scared because momma is a baller! She doesnt think so but then again this is the same woman who got a 94 in a class and was thinking about doing extra credit before she took the final (which she aced by the way) so I dont go off of what she calls ballin'. LOVE YA MA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this happened toward the end of August. Last night mom suggested I look at University of Phoenix and see what the difference as far as pricing is and all that jazz because, its an online school, which is good because if, God forbid, I am hospitalized, there is the possibility of me still being ablue to gett work done. And also, my aunt is going to school through the same establishment (big ups Aunt B, btw I can use this slang but you CANNOT)

Today I called to speak to an enrollment counselor and she broke it down for me. She told me that the government, who shall from now on be called the man, wants to know who it is they are giving this money to. They want to make sure that the money isnt being used for anything other than school. She also told me that some people who get grants but dont continue with their education have to pay back the grants. The man dont play when it comes to money don't you know?

The down side to all of this is that now my momma has to fill out a separate FAFSA, its called a parent plus form. She started talking about loans and how her credit standings and any loans she took out wont affect me. I told her that loans are not something that we talked about and wasnt something I wanted to do and she told me too sit down and really talk and think about it, but honestly taking out a loan myself isnt something that I want to do.

So I am kind of stuck in this limbo where i have no control because I took all of the steps I was supposed to. I am playing the waiting game and believe me, it is not fun. At all.

Send thing was stamina and that basically means that with the lupus, the hip problems and the raynauds (basically poor circulation), everything would be better if I could go to school online.

Location? Well as you can see from my ranting above, its between NOVA Community College or University of Phoenix, which is online.

So I guess I take my earlier statement back, there is a bit of stuff going on in my life right now.

Thanks for listening ya'll